You Can’t Be Nice If You’re Dead

Don’t protect the feelings of people who trigger your survival signals.

Photo Credit: Engin Akyurt on Pexels

Like many today, I like to believe that we’re all fundamentally good but every once in awhile, I’m proven wrong by some grisly crime in the news — or by binge-watching Obsession: Dark Desires on Netflix.

As animals, violence is a part of our existence and thanks to nature, our bodies have a complex system of protective mechanisms to avoid danger or fight against it. Unfortunately, social norms inhibit these mechanisms and make us especially vulnerable to violent attacks.

Gavin DeBecker, a security specialist and author, has made it his life’s work to refamiliarize us with the intuition which we are taught to ignore because of the societal pressure to be kind and receptive. Though violence affects all sorts of people, women are particularly at risk thanks to harmful gender schemas.

“Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death.” — Gavin DeBecker

In his 1997 bestseller, The Gift of Fear, DeBecker uses his extensive experience working with victims of violent attacks to educate readers and encourage them to be more proactive about their personal safety. We are all equipped with the tools to detect and escape from danger but we have to know how to recognize the signs and let instinct take over.

Is human behavior unpredictable?

The scariest thing about violence is how suddenly it seems to occur. It’s easiest to assume that human violence is somehow beyond our understanding and unpredictable as this belief absolves us of any duty to explore it and be proactive. We’re so afraid of being wrong when in fact, we make accurate predictions about others’ behavior every day.

Crossing the road, we sense that a driver will let us by, and other times, we suspect something unsafe, like the person looking down at their phone and we wait. We are all equipped to employ the same perceptive power when violence occurs.

An American Murder: The Family Next Door, a popular Netflix original documentary told the story of Shannan Watts, her two little girls, and her unborn baby. They were all brutally murdered by seemingly devoted husband and father, Chris Watts.

Shanann had a feeling that something was going on and she openly expressed this to her supportive girlfriends. Everyone tried to reassure her but an intuitive sense that something was seriously wrong persisted. Despite some difficulties in their marriage, Shanann loved her husband and was willing to fight for her family and since there was no history of domestic violence, it’s hard to know whether she was afraid of him before the murder. Nonetheless, as she shared with those closest to her, suspicion was building.

Naturally, many were offended by the media’s desire to read into the case and find a motive. They say there’s no reason for committing such a heinous crime and no one should try to understand the intentions of a monster like Chris Watts. While I agree that the public should be sensitive to the victim’s loved ones and avoid giving the murderer undeserved attention, I believe that gaining a better understanding of violent attacks and publicizing this knowledge will ultimately save lives.

“The human violence we abhor and fear the most, that which we call ‘random’ and ‘senseless’, is neither. It always has purpose and meaning, to the perpetrator, at least. We may not choose to explore or understand that purpose, but it is there, and as long as we label it ‘senseless’, we’ll not make sense of it.”

— Gavin DeBecker

Don’t ignore the “Hmm…”

I ignore my gut instincts all the time because I assume they’re mostly wrong. While it’s true that some interpretations of intuitive messages are false, according to DeBecker, intuition is always correct in two ways. First, it always communicates with us in response to something, and secondly, it always has our best interest at heart. Intuition is a built-in survival mechanism after-all. It will help us survive if we let it.

How do we know that our survival signals are going off? With so much buzzing around in our heads, we can be completely oblivious to red flags. Often, no sirens are blaring but just a quiet inner voice that says: “hmm…” or “that’s strange”.

DeBecker identifies what he calls the Messengers of Intuition. When they stand out, it’s time to pay attention and act on those impulses that seem to come out of nowhere. Nagging feelings, persistent thoughts, humor, wonder, anxiety, curiosity, hunches, gut feelings, doubt, hesitation, apprehension, suspicion, and fear should never be ignored.

Think back to a time in your life when you weren’t making the best decisions for your well-being. Perhaps you were pursuing the wrong career just because it makes your family proud or stayed in a relationship with the wrong person to shelter them from heartbreak. Likely, the decision to finally adjust your circumstances wasn’t a sudden impulse even though it might have seemed that way to others. Your intuition could have sent you a pit in your stomach or generalized anxiety yet it may have taken you a while to realize that it was time to make a change.

Making the right decision for yourself can be very uncomfortable for several reasons. One reason is our innate desire to protect the feelings of others. This occurs in relation to going down the wrong path but also to life or death situations. Because of the human expectation to be sociable (that is amplified in the case of women), intuitive survival signals are missed or simply ignored and people who want to harm us can take advantage of our dedication to being a nice person.

Don’t fall for Type-casting

In recent years, I’ve been on a mission to care less about what others think of me. It’s been rough and spoiler — I’m still quite preoccupied with people’s opinions. DeBecker’s insights have given me a great reason to keep minding my business and quit worrying about impressing strangers because many predators rely on their victim’s concern for social conventions to hurt them.

Type-casting is a reverse psychology tactic used to guilt victims into engaging their attackers. It often has a nasty misogynistic tone. Here’s an example that might feel familiar to you.

As you approach the bus stop on a quiet night, you notice a man watching intently. You make eye contact and smile nervously hoping he will look away but he refuses to break his gaze and begins to approach you. Because it’s dark and he’s a stranger, you’re quite reluctant to engage and your feet move you backward.

“Aw come on!”, he says throwing his arms into the air. “I just wanted to know what time the bus was coming.”

You’re at a loss for words and still nervous.

“I suppose you're too classy to speak to someone like me.”

He attacked your character to make you feel obligated to indulge him. For a moment, you might feel bad. You’re a kind person and would hate to make someone else feel rejected just for asking the time. Maybe you should just talk to him for ten minutes while the two of you wait for the bus. He could actually be a nice guy, who are you to judge? No. Silence is the best response to this kind of treatment.

If you feel unsafe there’s probably a reason for it. If you actually do make a misjudgment, someone’s feelings might hurt for a little but if your initial instinct was correct, something more valuable than another person’s positive perception of you could be jeopardized.

*Originally posted on my Medium blog. If you want to get to know me better, follow me on Medium. That’s where I connect with readers and get personal.